Sometimes being right all the time sucks.

-Mary

Trying to change my stupid motto, because for those of you who didn't know I never put, "my funny motto"- that's lame.

-Mary

All I have to say is three cheers for a sleepless night. It is now 7:29 am and I am ready to start my day. I WILL be attempting a nap later on believe me.

-Mary

My plan to get my midterm done tonight and then to go to sleep early was foiled. I got locked out of my house again! I would insert the proper curse word here if I hadn't given swearing up for lent, among many other things that I gave up. I also gave up staying up past 2 am if I'm not doing school work. Well it's just great that I've blown that one too already. But this is not my fault.

I cannot sleep. I mean I really can't sleep. My mind will not stop racing and I feel sick to my stomach...common occurences for me when I feel out of control in any way shape or form. I hate not being in control, as I'm sure all of you know, and I hate not knowing what is going to happen next. So now I'm left awake at 4 am trying to wrap my mind around how I feel right now. I'm laying on the couch, remember I'm locked out, trying to figure out exactly how things are going to transpire in the coming days and how I'm going to respond and how things are going to end up...when in all reality I have to come to grips with the fact that I do not know what is going to happen next, I don't have all the answers, and I am not going to be fully prepared for what happens because I can't predict the future. I'm sick of being scared and letting that fear control who I am and what I want. I'm sick of living inside my head so much that I have trouble distinguishing what it is that I really want to the point where someone else, Smalltown, has to point things out to me that apparently are so clear to everyone else but me because I don't trust it. I don't trust myself, or barely anyone else for that matter, and it's exhausting. What happened to when you were little and you believed that everything would work out perfectly because that was the way it was meant to be? Darn it (once again a swear would feel so much better) I feel sick. Someone very wise told me that I feel sick for a specific reason, and eventually I will realize that. I have been doing a lot of thinking this week (yeah because last week I didn't do any thinking at all). I have so much work to do in the next few days...academically and emotionally. I need to redefine my definition of strength, it's ok to have to depend on people, that doesn't make me weak. Geez, I need to focus on living in the present. You know those choose your own adventure books that were popular in the eighties? If you don't then you suck. Anyway, I used to cheat when I'd read those. I would come to a point where I had to make a decision, you know like talk to the alien, or zap it with your laser gun. I would flip forward and read both and decide after that which way I should go...that way I always won...a reason why I think I run into problems with reality. I can't flip forward and figure out the best decision and act from there. I want a definite answer for a happy ending and if I can't have it then I don't want to make any decision at all. Glad my neurotic nature spans all decades just in different forms. Sean, you're right, I wouldn't want to be like those people, but maybe for one night I would like to feel what they feel; complete oblivion would yield to some pretty solid sleep patterns. I need to stop overthinking, so I'm going to turn on the tv and hopefully slowly drift away dreaming of head of the class and charles in charge. More likely than not however I will lay awake for a few hours more, and finally fall asleep only to have dreams where I forgot something, lost something, or am falling. I have to keep in mind that very rarely do I get thrown off to this degree when it comes to the whole control issue. And what does that mean? That means that whatever is at the core is powerful to say the least.

Night
-Mary

I need to get to bed early because I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow. But I just had to share this story because I thought it was pretty funny.

This afternoon I put a call into Krissy because I wanted to know if she had heard if Rob was home yet and if he had gotten married while in Vegas a few days earlier. It's been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Anyway, I call at around 5:30 pm to try and get her after she gets back from school. The phone rings for a while and then finally someone picks up. It's Pat, and he sounds kinda out of breath. I guess he says hello but I can't hear him the first time because there is music pumping really loud in the background. I finally make out his hello and I yell over the loud music, asking what's going on. I say that I didn't expect him to be home, I figured him and Brian would be out with a bunch of other guys from work at the happy hour of some bar. He proceeds to tell me that him and Brian like to come to the apartment after work, blast the latest Justin Timberlake single that has made the Top 40 chart that week, try and learn all the words and see if the video is playing on TRL so they can learn the dance moves too. He informs me that that is the reason he's out of breath, they just can't seem to nail Justin's new steps and it's really bothering them. I hear Brian yell something in the background and I ask Pat what he said. Pat tells me that Brian is reminding him that he promised to teach him the air guitar part in Enrique Iglesias' song If the World Crashes Down before he had to go home that night. With that Pat tells me that he'd love to talk some more, but this is really important to them, and it's the only way both him and Brian can "unwind" after a long hard day of work. And before he hangs up I hear him yell quickly to Brian, "No fucking way Brian, you wore the clip on diamond earring last time!"

Well the whole thing just kind of made me laugh and I knew I had to share it with the world. I haven't been able to talk to them much online in the past few days because they've both been really busy, something about a "war" that they're fighting "behind enemy lines" so I was really happy I got to talk to them for the short amount of time that I did. Hey, whatever helps you guys relax at the end of the day is fine by me, I bet it's hard when you're constantly fighting a LOSING battle. Keep your heads up.

-Mary (This is tame boys, it could get a whole hell of a lot worse, think about it, and make the call, truce this shit up before too much damage is done)

I thought I'd just publish this. It's what I've been working on tonight so I might as well. For anyone who never quite understood Snowball, or the impact the program or the people involved had on my life, read this and hopefully you'll understand a tiny bit better. This is a letter that I wrote tonight to Linda Dunne, who was in charge of Snowball, a woman who I got to know very well during my high school career. And if some of you may wonder sometimes, "Why the hell is Mary such a bitch?" well part of the answer to that question is that I learned from Linda, the best of the best. Anyway, it's like 4:18, I've had a weird night, where I felt anxious and very nervous most of the time, but after a good conversation with John I am feeling a lot better. So, I'm going to go read my book which I was told tonight may be ripped away from me this weekend so I better enjoy it while I can. Later

-Mary

Linda,
I’ll never forget the last Snowball that I staffed. You walked casually up to me early that Friday morning, you were busy checking and rechecking a million things for the weekend but you took the time to ask me how I was feeling. I always felt nauseated the Friday mornings before the participants arrived. I told you I thought I was going to throw up, I was scared, I was anxious, and I couldn’t focus. You looked up from your papers, focused on my face and said, “Close your eyes.” I looked at you doubtingly and you again instructed me to close my eyes. I closed them right after I saw you begin to bend down toward the ground. I asked what you were doing and you calmly replied, “I’m grounding you.” You held my feet on the ground for about a minute while we both remained silent. Then you stood and told me to open my eyes. “Do you feel better?” You asked. I replied with a slow yes. You said good and were well on your way to tackling another problem before I could even process what had happened.

I have a countless number of memories involving you Linda, each one contributing in some way, however small, to who I have become. Yet this one is exceptional in that it does such an amazing job of demonstrating who you are. You are a woman of action. I’ve never seen you sit idly by as things spiral out of control. You teach by example, in everything you do, in everything you say there is a lesson; one just has to pay attention to gain a wealth of knowledge. I paid attention Linda, I learned from you. I am so thankful for the lessons that I carefully gleaned from being in the presence of a master.

That Friday morning, you came over and you “grounded me”. You held my feet to the ground when I felt like my world was crumbling around me. You made me feel safe again. You restored the order in my life, and without words you stressed the importance of silent contemplation, a focus on the present, and simply remembering to take deep breaths and enjoy life. You did it in your efficient and subtle way, bringing me back to where I needed to be. Casually moving on to something else, as if your abilities, your strengths, your innumerable talents and insights into the human spirit were nothing out of the ordinary. That morning was not the only time you “grounded me”.

I entered into my freshmen year terrified and insecure. I was extremely unhappy and unsure of who I was. Quite honestly, the only reason I went on Snowball my freshmen year was to miss a day of school. That weekend brightened up my entire world and my path in life and the connections I was to make were forever changed. I remember you there, instructing us, making sure that no one got out of control and everyone was where they were supposed to be when they were supposed to be there. I thought to myself, as you stood there and received silence immediately after you had raised your arm, "This is a powerful woman that knows how to take charge." I had experienced the magic of Snowball, it was in my blood and I knew I had to become a part of it. So I interviewed with you, and made staff.

While on staff I soon realized just how much work went into pulling off a really successful Snowball weekend and I also quickly recognized who the driving force was behind everything. It was you. It’s always been you. I never realized, while sitting there quietly my freshmen year in a general session, just how much of yourself you put into Snowball, and I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to grow to understand that over the next few years as well as build a relationship with you.

Linda, I have so much to thank you for. Thank you for always treating us as adults. I never once approached you to discuss something and felt as though you didn’t completely respect my opinion or what I had to say. I never felt like a child, and you taught me that not only could my voice be heard in a crowded room, but it was worth speaking up and sharing my opinion. You pushed us all to go the extra step, to focus just a little bit harder, to be held accountable for our actions and our promises. All too often high school students complain that they deserve to be treated like adults, when in reality they still act like whiney little preschoolers. You held us to a certain standard. If we wanted to be treated as adults, then we needed to respect one another, practice open and honest communication, and be responsible and dependable. We made many mistakes, things that most likely could have been avoided had we listened to you, but you let us make those mistakes and learn from them. You always stressed that Snowball was our baby, it would be what we made of it and our hard work would determine the outcome. By never stepping in and taking over, even when we begged you at times, you allowed us the unique opportunity to experience the intense feeling of pride for a job well done. We walked away feeling that we had truly made a difference in another person’s life, a feeling which to this day is what drags me out of bed on the gloomy days and stays with me every single second I walk this earth. You created that environment. We were convinced that you had chosen us to help change the lives of others. Little did we know that we ourselves would be forever changed, forever inspired, and forever blessed for having been involved. You knew this all along, but we had to discover it on our own.

I could not ask for a better role model of a strong, independent and powerful woman. You taught me to have confidence in my decisions and myself. Throughout high school I watched as many girls I knew fell by the wayside, their voices dying down and their personalities slowly tailored to fit someone else’s standards. You showed me that I didn’t have to lose myself in order to gain acceptance. You taught me that a strong personality is not only good, but it is essential in navigating your way through the twists and turns that life provides. I learned, through you, to never pretend not to know an answer, but instead to exhaust every possible avenue until a solution was found. In a world where all too often young women see men in most of the positions of authority, I looked at my “boss”, the person in charge of it all, the one who gave the instructions, the person who was consulted at every turn and I saw an intelligent, confident, and determined woman. You may never know quite the impact that has had on me, but rest assured that it has ignited a fire within me that will not easily be extinguished.

Linda, you helped me build the foundation of who I am, when I needed it most. It’s because of that foundation that I have the confidence and strength to pursue my goals and dreams. By “grounding me” you gave me wings to fly, and I am forever grateful for that.

You undoubtedly have touched every single life that has crossed your path. I know this because I have seen you in action; I have watched you lift people up, hold them until they believed in themselves again, and then I’ve watched as you’ve let them go to walk on their own. Your leadership does not end here. Your ability to nurture and guide is an intrinsic part of who you are and will only direct itself into a different outlet within your life. Do not forget however, the enormous impact you have had upon not only my life but the lives of thousands of others.

Thank you Linda for everything.

Love Always,
Mary Boyd

Twice now I have tried to make an entry and then my computer has fucked up and I've lost them both. I suppose I shouldn't complain though. The computer getting all screwed up last night saved me from publishing my first drunk journal entry that would have done nothing but cause drama no doubt. I did end up logging back in and leaving a drunk entry anyway, but I believe it was my frustration that kept me from expanding on whatever I was thinking about. I need to be careful that I stay away from journaling while intoxicated, I have far too many secrets that I don't want any of you to discover just yet.

Today though, when I was sober and trying to make an entry and I lost everything, I just got really really angry. I had included a lovely little description of the techno/remix of the song Kiss the Girl from the Disney movie The Little Mermaid. It makes me laugh every single time I hear it. I've always loved the song, I don't care if you think I'm ridiculous, but this new version is excellent as well. I love when a new memory can build something over an old memory- it's not as though you lose that old memory forever, it's just nice when you hear a song and that old memory is no longer the first thing that springs to mind. And now that nobody has any idea what I'm talking about...subject change

I went to the state wrestling championship tonight. I had only been to one wrestling meet before tonight. It was in high school and I was going to be supportive of my friend Nick who was one of the top wrestlers. The whole thing was really violent and intense, with some guy actually being taken off the mat on a stretcher and rushed to a hospital. So I was a bit wary of tonight. Turned out to be really fun and interesting though. I got into it really fast, which of course has nothing to do with my competitive nature. Brian, Jackie's cousin ended up winning 1st place in his weight class (I don't know what the proper term is) which for any of you interested is 103 lbs. A huge portion of Jackie's family turned out and it was amazing to see them all cheering him on and crying when he had won. I think one of the reasons I love spening time with Jackie's family is because it feels like home. I see so many similarities between our two families and it is so rare to feel that safety and comfort around anyone other than your own family. It was a great time.

I have so much work to do in the next two weeks. Tonight I discovered that my take-home midterm for my womens studies class is due this Thursday. I was under the impression it was due next Thursday. This means the next four days are going to be hectic, trying to get that finished

HA, MY COMPUTER JUST FUCKED UP AGAIN, BUT I'VE BEEN SAVING NOW AND THEN TO MAKE SURE I DIDN'T GET FUCKED OVER AGAIN. I suppose the real question I should be asking is why the hell does my computer get fucked up all the time? (Fizzgig, do you know? You've always had such good luck and fortune with your computer, perhaps you could help me with mine)

Anyway, it's going to be a busy next few days. But I suppose I shouldn't bitch. I worry about school honestly about four weeks out of the school year, and this happens to be one of those weeks. But after all this crap is finished I'll be able to do nothing all spring break but sit around, relax, and not go to the Hinsdale movie theatre.

Here's a little story. I wear a purple rubberband around my wrist. I've been wearing it pretty damn consistently now since winter break. I actually used to wear them all the time in high school until some girls that I hated started doing it so I quit.Anyway, I do have a point to this story. Well, since cleaning my room over break and running across an old rubberband and putting it back in its rightful place, I have since grown quite attached to said rubberband. It's very stretched out now and it slowly gets pushed farther and farther up my arm. I could quite likely be wearing it on my bicep by the end of the year. Good lord, I do have a real story with this. So, the other night Jack and I get back from working out and I go to my room and I'm about to get in the shower so I take off my clothes and I can feel the rubberband being pulled off with one of my many layers. I think, no big deal, I'll just fish it out of my clothes after my shower. But you see, I can't wait till after my shower, I feel weird with it not on my wrist now so I begin to shake my clothes out to find it. I can't find it. It's not in my t-shirt, my long sleeve shirt, my sweatshirt, it's nowhere. I start getting a little nervous, realizing that it could have flung anywhere in my room and it just so happens that my floor is covered in clothes (folded neatly, still not unpacked from when I did laundry last week) and it will take me quite some time to locate my precious rubberband. Well, instead of jumping in the shower and worrying about it later I searched the floor of my room very carefully (probably for a good 20 minutes) until I finally found the rubberband and placed it back on my wrist. This story really sucks, but I guess I was just trying to convey how much I love my rubberband. (The rubberbands usually come off bundles of asparagus if you're interested)

Ok, I'm done.

-Mary