Monday, July 18, 2005

Make it Happen

The coast flew by.

When I think about my favorite moments, I try to play them back as slowly as possible in my mind and take in every detail. The last three days before Sydney were wonderful...great hikes, amazing guide.

The last night was perfect.

I find I'm still as scared and unsure of myself before I do things.

That's going to take years to undo, if it ever happens.
I'm still anxious and completely doubtful of my ability to handle the situation.

But before I used to let those fears and anxieties stop me- I would stay in my comfort zone and miss out.

The last night in Barrington
Night kayaking down white water rapids.

"Only place in the world where you can do this"

That's all I need to hear.

I can see my breath.
I'm dressed up in my swimmers, a thermal shirt, a wet suit, a wool woobie, a water proof wind breaker, a life vest, thermal socks and a helmet strapped to my head with a tiny little lamp.

I have never felt sexier.

I'm anxious that I'm going to capsize, that I'm going to forget how to paddle or turn, that I'm going to be the only one in the group that's total crap- Yet as all these thoughts are running through my head, I find I'm still in it.

I'm carrying my kayak down to the river...I'm ready.

Those old tapes are still running, but it seems there's another part of myself that takes over now and pushes me forward, where at one time not too long ago, I would have bailed.

Because deep down, I know.

And that part of myself that knows is gaining momentum.
These past few months have taught me to push ahead...I can handle anything.

Not perfectly of course.

10 seconds into the first rapid I capsize.

It's freezing cold water and after freeing myself from the straps and the weight of the kayak I come up gasping for air and wildly flailing my arms around, trying to reorient myself.

I did exactly what he told us not to do.

I fucked up.

But I survive.

And I climb back in and get ready for the next rapid.

This time I'm calm.
That's all that happens? A little cold water and the wind knocked out of me?

As Danny would say, "Bring it...Ba-Ring it"

Before, the rest of my night would have been consumed with the thought of me capsizing: I screwed up. Everyone saw. I had to get help climbing back in. I did what he said not to do. I was the only one who fell in.

But it's quieter now.

As we sit back in that hot tub sipping those drinks and staring up at the stars I'm so proud to have done it at all.

Only place in the world

And none of the others know what it feels like to capsize.

I can tell them...pretty damn good.


At 6:35 AM, Blogger Amy Boyd said...

Another excellent morning read! Sounds like you have the right attitude on life experiences. You're ready for things, but scared as hell. I think it's totally normal to be scared before you do anything in life... anything that is worth doing. Rob & I could talk to you for hours about the LA dilemma, never gets easier. Same story here, it's still hot, working, school, mommy classes, floating around in a pool, working on baby Boyd's bedroom, and on occasion yelling at your brother to stop scratching his toes. (the other night he laughed at me and said I sounded just like you, telling him he liked to have athletes foot and how disgusting it is)

At 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Take these lessons you are learning and apply it to the big question....what to do when you return home. No one is watching, no one cares, everyone just wants you to be happy. If you try three or four different things before you find your be it! Take it easy on yourself. Aren't we all still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives? You were just blessed with the opportunity to do some of that prep time in another country. No one is expecting any answers, just a lot a hugs and good quality Chick time. We love you and miss you. Love, Krissy


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