Valentines?

I worked at the restaurant this Valentines Day.

We had a special set menu for those that made reservations and they were seated at tables on the upper deck of the ship. There were roses, candles, and a super cheezy keyboard player/singer to accompany their meals. I was the runner that night for the upper deck. Translation: I would be running below deck to the kitchen and carrying meals to the upper deck (many flights of stairs involved) the entire night.

I tried not to be bitter. Running overpriced meals of lobster and filet mignon to lovey dovey couples that were all dressed up- getting only a 30 second break from my perpetual stairmaster of hell when I set plates down on the tables- only to have the cheezy keyboarder say weird things into the microphone in between songs like, "Have any of you ever been in love? Mary, I know you have, I can see it in your eyes and the skip in your step."

I had made the mistake of introducing myself to him before he went on that night.

I would just flash him a smile when he'd mention my name, abstaining from shouting out that the only reason I had a skip in my step was because I'd had to go to the bathroom for the past 2 hours, but didn't have a 2 minute break to do so.

I was doing a good job of staying positive the entire night. All I wanted from my Valentine when I returned home from work was a back massage.

I was busy clearing some of the tables when Sven, one of the German servers who was working the upper deck with me, yelled sternly, "Mary, I need you to go to the pantry."

I told him I would go just as soon as I finished clearing this table.

He snapped back and me angrily..."No, you'll go right now. And bring this in there!"

I was about at my breaking point. Here I had been, busting my butt the entire night and he was yelling at me that I had to drop everything that I was doing to take what, a measly spoon into the pantry for him. He just couldn't do it himself?

I forced a smile and retrieved the spoon from him and headed into the back pantry. I pushed the pantry door with extra force and as I cleared it, a large strawberry and ice cream sundae came into view (the kind that I had been serving to our guests all night). Sven's voice came from behind me, "And I don't want you stepping foot out here until you're finished with that!"

I smiled and thanked him as he headed back out to clear the rest of my table.

That was the best damn sundae I've ever eaten in my whole entire life!

Australian Word of the Day:

-They call baby carriages Prams...Baby Sully in a pram? Totally weird
-Also, they call the day after Christmas here Boxing Day--it's a national holiday included with Christmas where everyone basically lays around and plays with all the presents they received...pretty good deal if you ask me.

Congrats to those that figured out the weird international calling cards. I swear they make it as hard as possible for you to use those things. It was so nice to receive a call from the people I miss the most! We'll have to figure something out...like an every other call agreement, one week I'll call, one week you call, something like that.

-Mary

"My salvation lies in your love"

Jeff read me a quote from the travel book he is reading.

"the American traveler is generally looking for something, and it may be something as profound, as essential, as himself or his salvation..."

Strange. I've already met a few of these people. Unhappy at home and now it seems twice as lost and angry because Sydney didn't provide them with the answers- upset and negative- so focused on the assumed promise of transformation that never came. It consumes them.

Perhaps in the back of my mind I wanted to believe travel could provide some sort of salvation.

And maybe that assumption scared me the most, because I knew that it was completely false. I knew that Sydney would be amazing and beautiful but Mary would still be Mary. If I wanted true transformation, that would have to come from determination and the strength within- not from a beautiful skyline, harbours or beaches.

A truly terrifying and adult realization:
To change, to improve and grow- takes constant work, focus and attention- A conscious decision must be made to be happy today, in my own skin, WHEREVER I am.

I will not find salvation here, but what I hope to find is a relaxed spirit and a more secure sense of self that is there, has always been there, I just need to decide to BE that person every day.

I carry Krissy's words with me, every step I take in this strange place,

"Let the peace you will encounter run all over you body. Let it calm the choppy waters inside your soul. Bring it home with you and let it last a lifetime."

I think I'll do just that.

As for the title of this entry, it's a line from a song I love and have been listening to a lot since I've been here. I think it's fitting.

So many people helped me on my journey. It was their love and support that made me believe again. And that's why I'm here now in this beautiful city.

After reading Jay's comment to me, I'm reminded that still, all too often the person I project to the outside world is so different from who I really am.

I am a highly anxious, nervous and extremely sensitive person.
A person terrified to fail, so many times I don't even want to try
A control freak, a person that desires the acceptance and approval of that inner circle that I have let close to me- as well as the outside world (although I hate to admit it)

Yet I am still determined to project an image of strength, indifference, and confidence.

For today, I will work on striking a balance: Let some of the anxiety and fear of failure go, while at the same time allowing myself to be seen as the vulnerable person I am.

-Mary