Thursday, December 22, 2005

Go Back

Is anyone still reading this?

It seems to be my routine. I blog like crazy, and then I drop off for months.
After coming back from Australia it was amazing and disconcerting at the same time to know that so many people were reading what I had to say.

So I stopped. Also, I didn't feel like I had a lot to say.
That's not true.
I just didn't think I had anything to say that people would want to read.

Which is probably true to some degree, but this was never for you, so I continue.

Ironically this is exactly a year from when I started blogging again after a long absence the last time. Weird. I have an impeccable inner clock.

Let's take a look at that post from a year ago shall we...

December 22, 2004


My right eyelid has been twitching pretty consistently now for about 3 days. A long time ago my eye doctor told me it was from stress in my life. This was before him and I got into that fight about putting substances in my eyes without first explaining what they were.

Anyway, I need to find some sort of outlet for this stress, and not much else seems to be working so I thought I'd try blogging again.

I can't even begin to catch up on what has happened since my last post, November 6th I believe, so I'm just going to continue on as if I've been faithfully blogging throughout the last year.

We're almost a month away from Australia right now and as I looked over some of the literature sent to me from Bunac, the organization we're going through, I found I was having trouble catching my breath.

The amount of things that I'm worried about are overwhelming and at times paralyzing. I wish I could be like Jeff who never seems to worry, because "what's the point?" if only it were that simple. Anyway, here's a list of the things that I am worrying about at this present time, in no particular order.

1) I won't have enough money to do everything that I want to do in Australia
2) I won't be able to find a job in Australia
3) We won't find a good place to live in Australia
4) I will seriously freak out before getting on the plane and never even make it to Australia
5) Ok, these are all Australia related so I'm going to stop putting it at the end of every sentence
6) I'll get eaten by a shark
7) I'll be bit by some sort of poisonous animal
8) I'll get there and be incredibly homesick, I'll let that feeling overwhelm me and I won't be able to enjoy the experience
9) While we're traveling, there will be a major terrorist attack on Chicago and everyone that I know and love will die (Thank you so much Dad for that lovely scenario)
10) Jeff and I will be in over our heads and will eventually break up, and I'll get off the plane in August to a crowd of people who told me not to travel with my boyfriend holding big "I fucking told you so" signs
11) No one will miss me while I'm gone
12) I'll miss important things that I want to be a part of
13) I find out I don't have the adventurous spirit that I thought I did all along and I'm more content to stay at home watching old episodes of West Wing rather than travel the world and experience some new things

I think I'll stop on my favorite number.

I'm comforted by the fact that I doubt anyone even checks this anymore since it's been so long since I posted anything. I just need somewhere to release a little bit of this

. Anything to stop this eyelid from twitching damn it.

My mantra that I've been carrying with me over the past few months:
"I'm moving off. I'm packing up. I'm willing to be wrong."-The Frames

Back to December 22, 2005

Damn it.
I wish I could go back and tell myself not to be so scared.

Having trouble catching my breath when I think about Australia too much...funny, I just used that line a couple nights ago.

I miss it so much.

But everyone is sick of hearing about Australia. Which sucks because now is the time when I've really started missing it and wanting to share my stories. Home was home and I was happy to be here. I didn't realize until the last month just what home meant. Not in Sydney. Not a part of that life anymore.

I told Jeff last night that of course I missed the city. It's the most beautiful city on earth. I know it better than Chicago, it was home. But what I miss most was who we were there and the lives we led. We were on our own, we were independent, working, making it happen...adults.

This just feels like...practice, no, I don't know.
Living at home is comforting and stifling.
And comfortable isn't good for me.

I know when I can't sleep 4 nights in a row.
I can't turn it off.
But I can't seem to kick start myself.

I'm afraid again.

Did it all even happen?

I need to get back into motion.
If for no other reason than I want to be back out there travelling somewhere.
Make money. Get life on track. So eventually one day, in the not so distant future, we can go back. And go everywhere else for that matter.


At 10:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ironic, first time I have checked it in a while and you had just written. Don't get worried. You're not stuck, you are just having a look around right. Don't look back too much though, your future is ahead of you Mary and it is glorious.

-That Shady Guy

At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you afraid of the real world? I came across your Blog a few days ago and find the reads pretty interesting. Maybe you belong in Australia but in my small opinion it seems as if Australia is and was a security blanket and now that your back in the states the reality of the real world is scaring you which is a normal human trait we all must deal with. Maybe there is a life for you in Australia. I have been there several times and it seems like a wonderful place to live a life.Is that something you have thought about or would those same scared feelings come back after you ran out of places to visit and explore and all of a sudden it was time to start a career or would it be self fulfilling to start a career and life there would that would make you happy and no longer afraid?

At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Jay said...

So glad you have come back to share! i check every now and again to see if you have posted anything additional since Will was born (mostly i checked to see what your musings were on Gracie). Your colorful writing is always fun to read, though.
Love you, Love, Jay

At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Jeff, but not that Jeff said...

Thank God you're back. Why were you gone so long? It is funny to read those dramatic posts from before isn't it? When I read some of my own, I laugh and laugh. I knew when I read that post a year ago, that you were going to be fine, and I know it now, too. You're certainly not the only person with adulthood on the mind. I feel the same way about living at home. It's really comfortable, but also it's the main thing holding me back. We'll just have to grow up together I guess. Welcome back, Monkey.

At 3:15 PM, Blogger David said...

I'd be happy to join the ranks of people who have checked this blog loyally for months without fruition in hopes of a new post.

Was I supposed to know what that electronic sounding noise was at 1am? Your ringtone made it into my dream, but not enough to wake me.
I'll call during the nighttime minutes.

At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Louise said...

Cheer up chicken, life is what you make it, make big plans for the future but, keep in the now. Anyway, save the fare and come to the UK, in the summer. Dont come now too the way photos in the post soon.

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At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Meem said...

Mary, I guess I haven't checked your blog for a while but it is still in my favorites because it was such a favorite. Tho it may be difficult this is one of the best times of your life. With all the important decisions looming ahead of you! Sit back and enjoy the ride and enjoy the beautiful adult you have become.
I love you!
Aunt Meem

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At 10:02 PM, Blogger Kasey said...

My god, would you blog again?

I know you remember your password I just saw you comment on Dave's.

I don't care enough to actually email or call, I wish to remain a peripheral friend who can just check in and see what's Mary been up to. Why do you continue to deny me the simple pleasures?


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