Thursday, March 06, 2003

My plan to get my midterm done tonight and then to go to sleep early was foiled. I got locked out of my house again! I would insert the proper curse word here if I hadn't given swearing up for lent, among many other things that I gave up. I also gave up staying up past 2 am if I'm not doing school work. Well it's just great that I've blown that one too already. But this is not my fault.

I cannot sleep. I mean I really can't sleep. My mind will not stop racing and I feel sick to my stomach...common occurences for me when I feel out of control in any way shape or form. I hate not being in control, as I'm sure all of you know, and I hate not knowing what is going to happen next. So now I'm left awake at 4 am trying to wrap my mind around how I feel right now. I'm laying on the couch, remember I'm locked out, trying to figure out exactly how things are going to transpire in the coming days and how I'm going to respond and how things are going to end up...when in all reality I have to come to grips with the fact that I do not know what is going to happen next, I don't have all the answers, and I am not going to be fully prepared for what happens because I can't predict the future. I'm sick of being scared and letting that fear control who I am and what I want. I'm sick of living inside my head so much that I have trouble distinguishing what it is that I really want to the point where someone else, Smalltown, has to point things out to me that apparently are so clear to everyone else but me because I don't trust it. I don't trust myself, or barely anyone else for that matter, and it's exhausting. What happened to when you were little and you believed that everything would work out perfectly because that was the way it was meant to be? Darn it (once again a swear would feel so much better) I feel sick. Someone very wise told me that I feel sick for a specific reason, and eventually I will realize that. I have been doing a lot of thinking this week (yeah because last week I didn't do any thinking at all). I have so much work to do in the next few days...academically and emotionally. I need to redefine my definition of strength, it's ok to have to depend on people, that doesn't make me weak. Geez, I need to focus on living in the present. You know those choose your own adventure books that were popular in the eighties? If you don't then you suck. Anyway, I used to cheat when I'd read those. I would come to a point where I had to make a decision, you know like talk to the alien, or zap it with your laser gun. I would flip forward and read both and decide after that which way I should go...that way I always won...a reason why I think I run into problems with reality. I can't flip forward and figure out the best decision and act from there. I want a definite answer for a happy ending and if I can't have it then I don't want to make any decision at all. Glad my neurotic nature spans all decades just in different forms. Sean, you're right, I wouldn't want to be like those people, but maybe for one night I would like to feel what they feel; complete oblivion would yield to some pretty solid sleep patterns. I need to stop overthinking, so I'm going to turn on the tv and hopefully slowly drift away dreaming of head of the class and charles in charge. More likely than not however I will lay awake for a few hours more, and finally fall asleep only to have dreams where I forgot something, lost something, or am falling. I have to keep in mind that very rarely do I get thrown off to this degree when it comes to the whole control issue. And what does that mean? That means that whatever is at the core is powerful to say the least.



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