Thursday, February 17, 2005

"My salvation lies in your love"

Jeff read me a quote from the travel book he is reading.

"the American traveler is generally looking for something, and it may be something as profound, as essential, as himself or his salvation..."

Strange. I've already met a few of these people. Unhappy at home and now it seems twice as lost and angry because Sydney didn't provide them with the answers- upset and negative- so focused on the assumed promise of transformation that never came. It consumes them.

Perhaps in the back of my mind I wanted to believe travel could provide some sort of salvation.

And maybe that assumption scared me the most, because I knew that it was completely false. I knew that Sydney would be amazing and beautiful but Mary would still be Mary. If I wanted true transformation, that would have to come from determination and the strength within- not from a beautiful skyline, harbours or beaches.

A truly terrifying and adult realization:
To change, to improve and grow- takes constant work, focus and attention- A conscious decision must be made to be happy today, in my own skin, WHEREVER I am.

I will not find salvation here, but what I hope to find is a relaxed spirit and a more secure sense of self that is there, has always been there, I just need to decide to BE that person every day.

I carry Krissy's words with me, every step I take in this strange place,

"Let the peace you will encounter run all over you body. Let it calm the choppy waters inside your soul. Bring it home with you and let it last a lifetime."

I think I'll do just that.

As for the title of this entry, it's a line from a song I love and have been listening to a lot since I've been here. I think it's fitting.

So many people helped me on my journey. It was their love and support that made me believe again. And that's why I'm here now in this beautiful city.

After reading Jay's comment to me, I'm reminded that still, all too often the person I project to the outside world is so different from who I really am.

I am a highly anxious, nervous and extremely sensitive person.
A person terrified to fail, so many times I don't even want to try
A control freak, a person that desires the acceptance and approval of that inner circle that I have let close to me- as well as the outside world (although I hate to admit it)

Yet I am still determined to project an image of strength, indifference, and confidence.

For today, I will work on striking a balance: Let some of the anxiety and fear of failure go, while at the same time allowing myself to be seen as the vulnerable person I am.

-Mary

4 Comments:

At 6:57 PM, Blogger Rob said...

Mary,
It is moving for me to read your inner thoughts. This takes much courage and I admire that in you. I am beginning to see an image of a young women come sharper into focus. This woman is far more mature than I ever dreamed of being at 23, and I have the priveledge of calling her my sister. Take care of yourself

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger Dancing Butterfly said...

Man- Krissys quote choked me up in such a beautiful way- and then to see that Rob posted what he did? I feel so blessed to be a part of this circle of love and support. I love you all.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Praying4You said...

Loved your reflections on self. Exactly my prayer for you. Your insights and confessions are wonderful. Half the battle is adimitting to yourself who you are. Good job, Mares

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger KrissySullivan said...

I agree with Jules~this circle of love and support is such a blessing. No matter how far each of us travel, no matter where life takes each of us, this circle will always connect us. I love that we are reminded of this through your journey. I am missing you so much right now! I need you to obess over our paint job with me!
I love you- Krissy

 

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