Monday, February 24, 2003

I'm too tired to write much of anything right now. It's almost 3 am, although that's not what it'll say at the top or bottom of this entry, a problem that I believe stems from the malfunctioning of my computer clock. I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. Tonight as I was cleaning out old files on my computer to free up more space I came across a bunch of things that I had forgotten I had even written. It appears as though I tried at least ten times to start a journal unsuccessfully. It seems every single time I tried to do so I was extremely upset about something and it was the only way in which I could regain some sanity, aside from running outside and yelling fuck at the top of my lungs. I opened one that started with: "Mary, what the fuck is your problem?" At first I was wondering who the hell sent me such a rude and confrontational email until I read on and realized I had written it to myself. I was scolding myself for letting everyone else's views and opinions get into my head and start to taint the way I viewed things with someone. I was hard on myself, rightfully so though because I guess I had clicked into sabotage mode (something I'm very familiar with) and was starting to destroy something that at the time was the most important thing I had ever been a part of. I don't even know why I'm even mentioning it now, I guess it just hit me hard tonight as I was reading these journal entries, the common underlying theme of self-sabotage. Anyway, it's something I've been thinking a lot about these past few weeks. No clear conclusions or answers of course, but then there never are with me.

Today I have to meet with my creepy professor who, for those of you who have seen the movie Ghost, looks exactly like that one shady guy down in the subway that taught Sam to touch things when he was dead. You know the one I'm talking about, the real crazy ass. I'm scared to tell him that I have absolutely no idea what I am going to write my paper about, the one that is due very soon. I'm afraid of what he'll say or do. After that it's off to pay my parking tickets. Those of you who know me best know that this is long overdue and I have sworn many times that I was going to take care of it but today I am really determined to do so. With the tickets paid off there will be no threat of my father getting arrested should he be pulled over on his way up to Madison with my mom on Wednesday. Yes, my parents are coming up here once again, they've made quite a few trips in the past few months.

Anyway, I'm actually tired for once so I should probably capitalize on this rarity and call it a night.

The lyrics to a song I'm listening to right now just kind of struck me...
"Will you be my anchor when there is no one around to hold me down?" Angel At My Table- A song by The Frames

P.S.- Sorry JJ, no surprise tonight, I didn't have it in me, but expect it in the next few days.


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