Tuesday, August 26, 2003

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I left his house early this morning fighting back tears. Just as they started rolling down my cheeks I heard him say, "watch out for the lightning" which made me laugh for two reasons. One: Who says that? Watch out for the lightning...as if I have any control over where it goes, what it strikes, or where I am when it happens, and it's not as though he was really worried about me and the lightning, it felt like it was just something that slipped out of his mouth since he was still half asleep. Two: It made me think of the word lightning and how every single time I see it, hear it, read it, whatever I think of him. He pointed out to me a very long time ago that I was spelling it wrong, and ever since then it's been a word forever connected to him. As I walk to my car my mind starts to drift to all the other things in my life that will always hold a connection to him in some way...the amount overwhelms me as I near the street and see that Travis (my new car) is sitting without a parking ticket even though it is now around 4:30 am. I should have gotten a ticket. I smile and say outloud..."An end to a perfect day"

I get into my car quickly, to escape the lightning of course, and I sit there for a second to try and collect my thoughts. I realize it's pointless and start the car. I understand that this is the last time I will be pulling away from his house late at night for a long time, and I start to tear up again. I've been crying all night on and off. My tears remind me of just how amazing he was tonight. He held me tightly and reassured me over and over again that we were going to be ok, that we were going to make it, and that the distance would only make us stronger. I cried. I tried to explain to him that my tears were a combination of things, that mostly I cried because I was so happy that I felt so bad...I hadn't felt that pain, that empty feeling that accompanies leaving someone that you love in so long, I had been afraid that I might never feel it again...he changed that. He changed everything.

As I slowly drive down Ogden memories of this summer flood me. He had said it had been the best summer of his life. I remember agreeing mentally, but as I slow to a stop light I scold myself for never saying it out loud, agreeing with him that this has by far been the best summer of my life. I wonder if I should call him up right now to tell him that, but I decide not to disturb the one hour of sleep he's going to be getting before he has to get up for work. He didn't hesitate to spend the entire day and night with me. A person that at one time was unwavering about his need for eight hours of sleep, sacrificed his REM cycles to spend a few more hours with me, knowing full well that he was going to be exhausted and miserable the next day. God I miss him already, he looked so adorable when I woke him and told him that I had to go. He just nodded, said ok and softly kissed me.

I turn onto my block and wish the drive had been longer. Pulling into my driveway marks the end of this perfect day and the beginning of my year without him. Last week I had been discussing with Chris about the best days of our lives. As I put Travis into park I consider this day...it definitely ranks up there...but as I run through the list mentally I realize that all the days that come close to earning that special title are days spent with him. He fills my days with joy and I am so blessed to have him.

As I get out of my car I realize that the lightning is coming at a faster pace now and I jog up the stairs to my back door. I stand there for a moment, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. I had very simple plans for this summer...1) Get my tonsils out 2) Earn some money 3) relax 4) see more of the city. He had different plans it seems. He won me over, as corny and lame as it may sound, that is exactly what he did. He proved to be everything I said a man could not be, and he did it with such ease. He embraced my insecurities and hang ups for what they were and still made me believe we were worth fighting for despite all the shit I threw at him these past few months. I told him at one point this summer that this wasn't the way things were supposed to play out. We were supposed to casually date this summer and have a good time, that was all. And in the end we'd agree we had had some fun and we'd go our separate ways. But somewhere in the middle of it all I fell in love with him. Damn it he's good.

I look skyward and I thank God as I have done a countless number of times this summer for bringing him into my life. I take another deep breath and prepare for my year without him. I can still feel his lips on mine when I close my eyes. I wonder how long that will last. I wonder if he's asleep by now. I wonder what it will feel like the next time I see him...I often wonder that at times.



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